Sunday, January 15, 2012

I won't

What I wish I could stop doing...
I wish that for one day I could stop judging myself. I wish I would stop putting myself down and look in the mirror and find the true me inside. I wish that I could put away every small detail and focus on the big picture at hand. I wish that I could see me for the accomplishments I have gained or the friendships I have made or even just the fact that I am loved should be enough. But it isn't. Each day I wake up look in the mirror and boom I judge. My body isn't perfect, my hair isn't right, my make-up isn't right, my toenails need to be fixed, my fingernails aren't right, my nose looks big, my mouth is too small, my eyes are too small, my eyebrows need to be plucked, I have a zit, my skin is dry/oily, my hair is dry, my hair is curly not straight, I need to lose weight, my butt is big, my stomach pokes out, my boobs sag, I'm short and my body expands the wrong way, my thighs are bulgy...and this goes on.
I'm never perfect for just being me. I'm always questioning myself and always putting myself down.
Do I need to lose weight? Hell yeah. But don't most people? All my life my mind has been focused on that one aspect of me. and even when I was at my smallest, I still put myself down.
How do you get out of that funk? How do you see inside and not just outside? I still don't have that answer, but I plan on finding it. I plan on searching high and low for the right response. I want to look in the mirror and see someone that has accomplished so much and should be proud of herself. Someone that has fought against the bad guys and won. Someone that has danced in the rain and laughed. Someone that is married to the most amazing man. That is talented. Smart. Funny. Witty.
Now there is a woman staring back at me...a woman that once use to be a scared little girl. She now can stand tall and face the world head on. Can say 'Hey I've been there done that and I'm ready for the next challenge.'
I'm working on steps...but I will be there soon enough. I won't back down, I won't give up. I didn't do it when I was young, I won't do it now.

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