Thursday, January 24, 2013

I'm Baaaaack: The reason why I was gone so long...

Hey all! I've been gone a while...I found out I was pregnant and have been missing ever since. It was a hectic ride! It started out so normal and easy and then gradually began to get harder. Aches and pains kicked in that wouldn't go away. A back pain that kept me up all night every night and there was no way to ease it, plus my hands, feet, ankles, and calves were extremely swollen. I mean I pushed my finger into any of those spots and you could leave craters in my skin! Soon after that at 33 weeks pregnant my blood pressure sky rocketed without me knowing. I called into the doctor to find some way to ease the stoooopid back pain and went in figuring that all they would tell me is that "Hey you're short and you have no torso deal with it." Which is true. But instead I walked in like any other visit and waited for my name to be called. When I walked in they weighed me like normal, except I had gained 5lbs or so in less than two weeks, which was not normal. Then they took me back to the room where they took my blood pressure like normal, only it was 190/110 and very scary high. So they made me lie on my side for about 20mins and came back to find that it was still high, not only that but for the first time there had been protein in my urine sample. All very bad signs. By that point I was nervous. The baby was fine except that his head was bigger than the rest of his body which was showing that he was not getting all the nutrients like he was suppose to because my body was shutting down. So after a sonogram, I get sent to the hospital...well pushed in a wheelchair to the hospital (which scared me even more...why didn't they want me to walk?) I was told that I would just be there for a couple hours for them to keep track of my blood pressure and would most likely be sent home on modified bed rest and to do a 24 hour urine test. But blood pressure wouldn't go down, and I ended up staying the night. Throughout the night I was woken up almost every hour to take medicine, to get checked, to get blood drawn, and at one point I was put on an IV of Magnesium. My blood pressure had become so high and wasn't going down that it was possible I could have seizures. By the next morning at 7am I was woken up by the doctor to let me know that I better call my husband to come to the hospital immediately because it was possible I would be delivering the baby that day. They kept track of my liver enzymes, my platelets, and blood pressure. By the mid afternoon I was told I WOULD be delivering that day. My blood pressure still wasn't going down, my platelets were dropping (which they were so low that the doctors were nervous about my blood not being able to clot of they didn't do an emergency C-section right then and there), and my liver enzymes for the first time had changed in the wrong direction. I was dropping fast. And everything flew by. Again I had gone in for something so simple and by the next day I was delivering my baby. My 33week old baby that didn't have a chance to get the 2 steroid shots to help his lungs, my baby that was about to have to be torn from his safe healthy home. All because I couldn't hold him in there anymore! I understand overall this isn't my fault, but when you hear the baby is healthy but its his home that is falling apart...I'm his home and I was falling apart! Because of me he had to come out. I had Preeclampsia at first which triggered into HELLP Syndrome, which I didn't find out until I was in recovery. HELLP Syndrome is a life threatening issue. Great! Not only did I have my baby ripped from me too quickly which was the most terrifying part...he might not have survived. But then on top of that I could've died as well. I can't really explain the emotions I have felt since then. I went home in 4 days but my baby stayed all alone in the NICU for 2 weeks. My wonderful mom drove me every day to visit for a few hours, to feed and be as much of a mom as I could be as my baby struggled and fought each to day to live. He is my little hero, and a true fighter. I look up to him even still for being as amazing as he is. We went through a lot together and both have healed and are recovering well! I always wondered if I would feel that crazy emotion that everyone talks about the first time you hear, see, and hold your baby. If we would bond and if I would be in love with him instantly. I worried I wouldn't have that motherly instinct and would falter in being what he needs. Especially with the way he was taken from me. But my fears were quickly forgotten when I was able to hear that first most adorable and strong cry from my angel! I fell in love instantly and couldn't believe how beautiful he sounded. It was 2 days before I was able to see him, which was torture that only people who have gone through this would understand. Everyone else was able to go in and see him, but I had to wait. I got to hear about how beautiful he was, how healthy he looked, and how special he was. Of course he is! But that didn't change the fact that I was stuck in bed for 2 days not being able to even catch a glimpse of the little human I had been bonding with for 8months. The little baby I had growing inside me. He was born at 4lbs 10oz, dropped down 4lbs 3oz, and when he left he was nearly 5lbs. He was born on 12/5 at 4:31pm and he was a wiggle worm from the very get go. He took out his own CPAP and stayed off of it and left in 2 weeks instead of the 6 they expected. He is now at home, a little over 8lbs, and my pride and joy. There again are no words to express my love for him, and no way I could ever express it. He makes me smile and makes me stronger. My heart has grown and I can't even remember what life was without him. No matter what we went through we survived, and fought to be together, and now we will be together forever!! I look forward to the future but am definitely enjoying having my baby!!

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